So summer is finally over and thank God, so are all the weddings. If you are like me, every time you go to a wedding, you end up hearing the same shitty songs over and over. What shocks me the most is that nobody has put a stop to this yet. These songs were good when they first came out, but in most cases it has been 20 years or so and people are still requesting them. How is it that a song you would immediately turn off in your car is deemed worthy at a wedding? Not all the songs are terrible, but how do they make sense at a wedding? I easily compiled a list of some of the SHITTIEST songs played at weddings I attended this summer.
The World's Worst Wedding Songs
1. Abba - Dancing Queen: Ass Pirates and Women are the only people who like this song. It makes real men's ears bleed. I mean, disco music? I thought this shit died out years ago.
2. B-52's - Love Shack: Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Roof
3. Kool & The Gang - Celebration: Any song that can get your fattest cousin up to dance should never be played...ANYWHERE.
4. Sister Sledge - We Are Family: Oh look, now here comes your 400lb aunt to join your cousin.
5. Commodores - Brick House: Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Roof
6. Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive: Kill me. Kill me. Kill me now. Wait, I think the high pitched voices may explode my head anyway.
7. Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight: Not a terrible song, but a definite mood killer. No songs at a wedding should be by anyone who can't hold their own marriage together. Not a good sign.
8. Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody: YAY! NAP TIME!
9. Nelly - Hot In Herre: Where the fuck did this just come from? Old people trying to dance to hip-hop? I think I might throw up...
10. Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back: Oh God...please no...not grandma dancing...and now I puke.
11. Village People - Y.M.C.A.: GAY! Kill whoever is the most excited person for this song. There is absolutely no court that would find you guilty of murder as it would clearly be a case of self defense. Allow me
to demonstrate on everyone's favorite punching bag...Eric.
Y = Punch to the face
M = Punch to the groin
C = Punch to back of the head and kidneys
A = Street Fighter style uppercut
12. Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music: Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Roof
13. Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen: Only if Eileen is the bride. There is no real way to dance to this song without looking like a talentless asshole.
14. Garth Brooks - Friends In Low Places: Any song that will make people go into a "friendship" circle and sway should be burned, pissed on, and then pieces of it buried at opposite corners of the earth.
15. Kc & The Sunshine Band - Get Down Tonight: WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING DISCO?!!!!
16. Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive: "CALLING ALL UGLY AND FAT CHICKS TO THE DANCE FLOOR. I REPEAT, CALLING ALL UGLY AND FAT CHICKS TO THE DANCE FLOOR."
17. Aretha Franklin - Respect: "WILL THE BUTT MONKEYS AND COWS PLEASE REMAIN STANDING."
18. Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe: County-techno. Do I really need to explain?
19. Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want To Have Fun: Not if they know their role. This song will proceed to bring all the annoying chicks who think they are "too cool" onto the dance floor. Lets see how much fun your having when some old dude gets you drunk and bangs you in the ass later.
20. Grandmaster Slice - Electric Slide: Any song that has a dance created for it is uberGAY.
21. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby: Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Roof.
22. Chubby Checker - The Twist: Please see #20.
23. House Of Pain - Jump Around: Bouncy old lady boobies...not cool. Plus grandma trying to do it in the wheel chair is just sad.
24. Anything by Madonna: Like a virgin? Teehee, who are you kidding?
25. Sorta Crackers Band - Chicken Dance: Polka???? Suddenly I miss disco.
26. Bryan Adams - (Everything I Do) I Do It For You: So seriously, are weddings for straight people or gay couples? Wait, I live in Boston...um...so seriously, are weddings for straight people or pedophiliacs? Good thing I don't live in West Virginia.
27. Anything by Michael Jackson: Hello West Virginia!
28. Weather Girls - It's Raining Men: Yes, it is raining men right out the door, into their cars, and over to the nearest sports bar.
29. Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink, Christina - Lady Marmalade: I like to call it the "vagina".
30. Jackson 5 - Abc: Teaching retards to spell while they dance.
31. Shania Twain - Feel Like a Woman: Yet another awkward moment where all men are forced to leave the dance floor.
32. Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline: Only appropriate when the "bah bah bah"s are replaced with "fucking slut" or "suck my cock".
33. Los Del Rio - Macarena: For some odd reason the groomsmen have killed the DJ.
34. Four Seasons - December 1963 (Oh, What A Night): Phew, I didn't think we would get to hear any disco music at the wedding.
35. John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John - Grease Megamix: On the bright side, you get rid of all the shitty Grease songs in one smaller chunk.
36. Baha Men - Who Let The Dogs Out: And now where did all the guests run off too? Nothing says "hot" like hearing grandma bark.
37. Bryan Adams - Summer Of '69: If over half the people at your wedding were not born before 1960, this song means NOTHING.
38. Lou Bega - Mambo No. 5: Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Roof.
39. Rick James - Super Freak: (I can't resist.....) I'm Rick James bitch! Slap!
40. Rick Springfield - Jessie's Girl: Hmm...just got married and now a song about wanting someone else's chick. Seems perfectly appropriate.
41. Meat Loaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Light: Wow, I am going to be original and act out the sleeping part with someone of the opposite sex. Noone will see that coming. Wait, this song is about banging in a car? Where's grandma?
42. Don Mclean - American Pie: Nothing says love like a song about dead musicians.
43. Billy Idol - Mony Mony: FUCKIN HORNY!
44. Chubby Checker - Let's Twist Again: Just in case you didn't get enough with the first round.
45. Frank Sinatra - New York, New York: If you aren't from NY, why on God's earth would you play this?
46. Blondie - Heart Of Glass: Yet another wedding appropriate song.
47. Cher - Believe: Someone order a delivery of shit? I think we found it.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!!!!
48. Donna Summer - Last Dance: Wow! What a surprise! The DJ is actually playing "Last Dance" as the last song of the night. Someone should go give him a creativity award. But at least I know this torturous mix of shit wedding is finally over...until the next wedding. I really wish they played more disco music.
Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Roof. Rusted.