Without further ado...the list for 2004!

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1. Okay, I know its a carry over from 2003, but will someone please destroy "American Idol".  How is it possible that people still watch this show?  Your choices this season were between Macy Grey's bastard daughter and a butterball turkey...both of which were honestly terrible.  And as for last year's two contenders, Gay Aikens should be eaten by Rueben Sandwich.  Once again anyone mentioning AI in 2005 should be punched in the stomach until blood pour out their mouth or anus...whichever happens first. 
 

2. The FCC needs to calm the fuck down.  Janet Jackson flashes one tit and half the world flips out.  WTF!  Some people are so right wing that the broom stick up their ass is actually getting pissed off.  If anyone mentions the JJ debacle in 2005, immediately find the most offensive porn available and haunt them with it.  Leave pictures on their cars, emails, or even in their lover's bed.
 

3. While still on this political kick, I am tired of hearing people still talk about Bush versus Kerry.  NEWS FLASH: We all know Kerry lost and there is nothing we can do about Bush until 2008, when he will be out for good.  Why continue complaining about shit you can no longer change? Shut the fuck up.  You are about as useful as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Have an opinion, but keep it to yourself or get donkey punched. Now, moving on...

 

4. Historical movie remakes.  Who's brilliant idea was it to go nuts with making King Arthur, Alexander, Troy, Alamo, and AHHHH! MAKE IT STOP!  If I want history, I'll grab a book.  Please oh please movie gods, won't you please make writers come up with an original script and stop fucking up the past.  Please make those that do impotent.  Thank you.
 

5. Britney Spears is now officially white trash.  She got married?  Big whoop. She still hot?  You bet.  Stay tuned for her 2nd divorce in 2005, but until then, NOBODY CARES!  If someone mentions BS's marriage, please push them down a rusty razorblade filled slide into a pool of lemon juice.

 

    

 6. YEAH! WHAT?! Okay, now that we got that out of the way, anyone caught using Lil' Jon phrases in 2005 will be the victim of a drive-by...unless that man is Dave Chapelle.
 

7. I-Pod = trendy piece of shit MP3 player.  The I-Pod should come standard with an Old Navy pullover performance fleece, a VW jetta, and a pair of Dockers khakis.  Since when did MP3 player become replaced by the word "I-Pod"?  Anyone who is dumb enough to spend money on an I-Pod versus a cheaper more useful MP3 player should be beaten and dragged in a burlap sack across the Andes (just like I like my coffee).

 
8. The Olsen Twins.  Enough toying with all of us and just get naked in Playboy.  Why must you prolong our agony? WHY?!

 

9. Bands Reunited.  When bands realize that they are running out of money and their solo acts are failing, they reunite.  VH1 has even made a show out of this crap.  Don't these bands realize that when they go on tour again and the songs suck that the fans no longer enjoy the old music.  You were better off broken up and just releasing a greatest hits album.  There is only one band who should reunite and make the biggest comeback ever...The Fat Boys.  The Fat Boys had such memorable songs like "Wipeout" and "The Twist".  Any other band should be given a bad bag of crack, smack, or whatever strung out band members take after they are washed up.

 
10. And last but not least...the little sister band-wagon.  Ashlee Simpson, Jamie Spears, and Nicky Hilton (to name a few) all tried to emerge this year by hoping that people would like them due to their sister's fame and popularity.  You all make me sick and deserve to get a nasty case of the crotch rot in 2005, unless of course you would like to introduce me to your sisters.  Only one girl deserves fame from her sister, and that is Ashley Olsen...after Mary-Kate poses in Playboy...or just for me.

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