DETTING GRUNK WITH GUINNESS

 SO I AM CHILLING AT AN IRISH PUB IN CAMBRIDGE WHEN MY BUDDY MIKE SAYS TO ME, "I THINK IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET DRUNK OFF GUINNESS."  AT FIRST I WAS LIKE, "NO IT ISN'T", BUT THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I BEGAN TO THINK "IT USUALLY SITS SO HEAVY THAT I NEVER DRINK MORE THAN 4 PINTS, SO I USUALLY DON'T GET DRUNK".  BEING THAT IT WAS FRIDAY NIGHT, WE DECIDED THAT THE GUINNESS DRUNK WAS NOT SOMETHING UP FOR DISCUSSION, BUT IN FACT A CHALLENGE.

5:35 PM. HERE WE GO! WE ARE WORKING ON OUR FIRST BEERS AND DISCUSSING TIME AND STRADEGY.  RIGHT NOW WE FIGURE THAT WE SHOULD TAKE OUR TIME ON THE FIRST TWO SO HOPEFULLY THOSE WILL PASS THROUGH US QUICKLY ALLOWING MORE WEIGHT TO BE PUT ON THE STOMACH.  THE ETA OF ACHIEVING OUR GOAL IS 3 HOURS.  PLEASE REMEMBER, WE ARE DRINKING PINTS...NOT 12 OUNCE CRAP.  SOME UGLY CHICK AT THE END OF THE BAR KEEPS STARING AT MIKE AND ITS CREEPING US OUT.

5:52 PM.  IF BEER WAS A FOOD, GUINNESS WOULD BE A STEAK (I'LL JUST LET YOU THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A FEW........................MOVING ON).  FIRST PINT IS GONE AND WE ARE WORKING ON #2 (WHO IS SURE TO COME INTO PLAY AGAIN LATER IF THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN).  NOTHING NEW YET. GUINNESS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST BEERS IN THE WORLD. I LOVE THIS SHIT.

6:05 PM.  HOOPAH FOR THREE! MIKE AND I ARE STARTING TO GET HUNGRY FOR DINNER BUT DECIDE IT MAY NOT BE WISE TO EAT FOOD AND ADD WEIGHT TO OUR STOMACHS, AS BY OUR FIFTH ROUND THINGS MAY BE FIGHTING THEIR WAY BACK UP.  MY STOMACH IS FINALLY STARTING TO FEEL THE WEIGHT.  IS SOCCER THE ONLY SPORT EVER ON TV IN AN IRISH PUB?  AND WHERE ARE SOCCER HOOLIGANS?

6:30 PM.  WELL HERE WE ARE AT NUMBER FOUR.  I GUESS THIS IS ABOUT THE EQUIVALENT OF A NORMAL 6 PACK.  I AM STARTING TO ENTER MY HAPPY PLACE NOW, WHICH MEANS I WILL NEED TO SLOW DOWN A LITTLE IF I WANT TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.  FUCK THIS BAR IS COLD.  I ASK THE BARTENDER TO TURN ON SOME HEAT.  ITS THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING WINTER FOR CHRISSY'S SAKE.  SOME DRUNK DUDE JUST HIT ON THE UGLY CHICK AT THE END OF THE BAR.  MAYBE HE SAW THE GAP IN HER FRONT TEETH AND WANTS TO KICK A FIELD GOAL.

7:02 PM. MIKE GAVE IN AND JUST ORDERED SOME NACHOS. PUSSY!  I AM HOLDING STRONG FIGURING OUR DISCUSSION ON BEER 3.  I AM BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN COULD BURST OUT OF MY STOMACH ANY MINUTE NOW AND TAP DANCE DOWN THE BAR TO A MUSICAL NUMBER.  YOU EVER NOTICE THAT IRISH PUBS NEVER PLAY U2?  YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD.  ODD?

7:35 PM.  MIKEY ORDERED ANOTHER ROUND WHILE MY ASS SAYS PLOP PLOP FIZZ FIZZ TO GUINNESS 1 AND 2.  NO LIE, I WAS LIRERALLY ON MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S FACE (AKA THE TOILET) FOR A GOOD 15 MINUTE.  THE GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME JUST YELLED "TSUANAMI" AS HE MADE A HUGE SPLASH.  IT WAS FUNNY.  AND YEAH, THIS POWER DOOKIE SEEMS TO HAVE EASED UP SOME ROOM IN THE BELLY.  HOLY SHIT...I AM ACTSHUALLY GET DRUNK OFF GUINNESH.  HA! MIKE CAN'T GET UP A BURP.

8:10 PM.  MIKE BURPED AND SHOWED US ALL HIS NACHOS ON THE BAR.  I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MAN RUN SO QUICKLY TO A BAFROOM TO ONLY FAIL AT THE END AND PUKE INTHE SINK.  ITAS GOOD THING I STAYED AWAY FROM THE NACHOS.  MIKE IS PRETTY DRUNK, AND TALKING TO THE CHICK AT THE END OF THE BAR, MAYBE SHE NOT SO BAD.  SO NOW I GUESS IT UP TO ME.  I AM FEELIN A LIL OUT OF IT.  MY STOMACH IS BURP, BUT I ALMOST THERE.  HAS ANYONE SEEN MY BASEBALL?

8:52 PM.  GOAL!!!!! STUPID SEAT KNOCKED ME OVER. I THINK IT GOT SLIPPERY IN HERE.  I THINK THE BARTENDER IS GAY.  WHY DOES HE ASKS TO US LEAVE?  GOOD, I PUKE IN HIS DORRWAY.  I NEED A RETARDED KID'S HELMET, I THINK.  ME GO HOME BED NOW.  GOOD TIMES.  GOOD TIMES.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:  GUINNESS, WHILE TASTY GOING DOWN, FEELS EVEN BETTER COMING OUT.  BRILLIANT!

HOME

EMAIL