Evil Deeds

Man, I don't even know where to start. I have done some really awful things to people over the years, all of which I look back at and laugh at now. Some of these things are lame now, but at some point they were funny. I have included pix where I was able to capture my shenanigans, so enjoy. And let me apologize preemptively to all the ladies.

1. In the picture above I tied these two guys doors together, which one of them obviously deserved for having a poster of 'Live' on their door. The real trick is to leave just enough space for the doors to crack open. Next I went down and knocked on both doors, within seconds the guy on the left was only able to open the door a crack, but it quickly slammed shut once the guy on the right tried to open his door. These guys actually spent 5 minutes slamming each other's doors before the guy on the left decided to call his neighbor (guy on right) to come over and try to open his door. Well I guess they then figured out the problem and called someone else to get them out, but it was fun while it lasted.

2. In college everyone has a friend who steals from the school, whether it be furniture, kitchen utensils, magazines...whatever. Well I had this one bud who actually stole a couch and was ripe for the picking. One night before heading down to dinner, me and my roomy hid the couch and our room and left a note on his door "from" the housing director. In this note we explained that he needed to call immediately to discuss the couch that he stole from the school. Well, the minute he came down to the dinner hall, this kid looked like he took the biggest shit in his pants. He thought he might be expelled from the university, fined, or possibly anally raped. Well my roommate, who unlike me possess a soul, decided we should put the couch back before the kid kills himself or something, so we do. But here is the kicker, when the kid comes back into the room, he actually sits on the couch and then begins dialing the director on the phone. The moron did not even realize the couch was back. What a moron.

3. ALWAYS TAKE PICTURES OF DRUNKEN FRIENDS (they might become famous)!!! The picture above may just look like a drunken kid passed out on a basketball court, but in reality this kid is a B-list celeb. This is Matt from season one of "The Biggest Loser". Back in the day this kid couldn't drink more than 2 beers before passing out. This even only remotely evil because I posted this picture on all the fan sites and message boards about how much of a loser he really is. See, the internet can be used for more than just porn and email!

4. Steal your friend's car. If you have a friend with a really expensive car or a piece of junk that they obsess over and try to pimp out, steal their keys from them and move their car to someplace they can't see. I pulled this one on my bud that drive a brand new Infiniti G35 where I just pulled it around the block. When he came out to get his car, he shit a brick and ran to the phone to call the police. HA! FOOLED HIM! He beat me severely for doing it, but it was worth it. I bet it was even worse since he actually had his last car stolen. Oh well.

5. Sticking with doing evil things to passed out people, who hasn't tortured someone who is passed out. Some people feel the need to draw penises on people's faces with permanent marker, while on this occasion I felt the need to do something interesting with curly fries. One in the mouth, one on each ear, and the remainder in his lap. On the bright side, he did have a snack for when he woke up.

6. SLOWLY DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE!!! If you have an anal-retentive friend, this is the most evil thing you can do.

House or room: Every day do something small, whether it be turning a picture around or move a few of their DVDs out of order. If they are really anal, you can even do something as simple as turning a coffee mug handle the wrong way. Do the same things every day but slowly adding more things to the mess. After about 2 weeks, get a few friends to help you out and turn everything around or upside down. Turn any doors you can to open the wrong way (if you can pull that one off you are a master like me.)

In the office: Computers are you best friend when it comes to office pranks. Start with using the mouse. You can switch the left and right button functions, change the speed of the mouse, take off the double click feature, or even steal the mouse ball. Load computer pranks onto their PC or put up rude photos to embarrass them (I suggest sex change pix as background, it is disgusting and evil). There is even this company called X10 that sells remote lighting accessories and mouse accessories. How freaked out would you be if suddenly the mouse on your PC was fighting with every movement you made and then started opening up programs and then shut down on you? It really freaks people out.

7. Always hide drug paraphernalia in people's rooms that you know already use drugs or people who will lose their job if found. We hid this little guy under our RA's pillow my freshman year after our dorm held a discussion on the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Let's just say our RA was not at all pleased at the thought of someone else finding it. So after getting bitched at we felt kinda bad, so we went and collected all the toilet paper in our building and built a nice big toilet paper wall just outside her door. It must have been cool the next morning to walk out that door and see nothing but toilet paper. Good times.

8. If only she would have let the TP wall thing go, we would not have had to follow up with this bundle of joy. This is funny no matter who you do it to or where you do it. Get a buddy who has some arm strength (jello arms will not work), a screwdriver, and find a public bathroom. Next, remove the dividers between the row of toilets. Place dividers in a place that will elicit much humor, as we chose to put one between her bed and her desk (TP roll towards the bed in case she got some action, of course). Plus, now every time someone had to take a shit, they now had to worry about locking both doors or someone coming in and seeing them shit. I preferred to let people see me shit, just for the look of shock when they opened the other door.


Elmo rocking that panda bitch.	Elmo loves doggie style.	ELMOOOOOOOOO!

9. The INFAMOUS Elmo Orgasm. One of my brightest moments in college was creating my first webpage, which was known as 'the Elmo Orgasm'. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason that a man over the age of 18 should have a doll/stuffed animal/gerbil. There is no reason. It is even questionable for girls to still have them after age 18 unless purchased by some idiotic boyfriend (GAY). The only thing worse are adults who still collect baseball cards and eat that dried out ass crack gum that was made in the 50s, but I digress. What started off as a small joke to make fun of my idiotic friend, turned evil once it became one of the top results on Netscape when searching "Elmo". Suddenly I was getting email from angry parents complaining how their kid's poor fragile mind had been corrupted, to which I would simply reply "Just because your husband won't have sex with you any more, you shouldn't take it out on Elmo because he is getting some. Go on a diet." There were rumors of law suits and blah blah blah, but I graduated and the page was shut down (tear).

10. Ever make a commitment to a girl, like for the prom or a formal, and then 2 weeks beforehand realize you can't stand this person? I have on numerous occasions. This one time in particular, my freshman year of college, I was dating this really annoying girl and could not wait to end things with her, but I had already told her I would go to her formal with her. Naturally I would have to wait another week following the formal because of course I am going to get laid after, and out of courtesy must give her a one week grace period. Well sure enough at her formal she hits full blown annoying and can tell that I am not amused by her. So we have this lovely conversation:

Annoying and just not getting it chick: "You know, you can tell me if something is wrong."

Going to be the death of me chick: "If something is wrong I just want to know."

AHHHH Me: "You want to know what is wrong. This is what is wrong. The nagging and crap like that. I just can't date you anymore."

Caring Chick turned to Raging Chick: "YOU ARE BREAKING UP WITH ME AT MY FORMAL?!!!"

...so I proceeded to get slapped, which I am totally okay with as long as the girl is smaller than me. And after all that, would you believe I still went back to her place and got me some loving. Yay for me!

11. Cheating on a girlfriend/boyfriend always leaves you with a guilty feeling, unless of course you have good reason. I had been dating (and sleeping) with this girl for about a year when all of a sudden she decides that she wants to wait until marriage to have sex again...WHAT?!!! Ladies, you cannot just stop the sex if you want to keep your man, if you have been having sex for over a year...he will go for it elsewhere...like me. Would you believe within a week of me hearing this shocking news, this smoking hot chickie I meet at the bar asks if I would like to come to her place for a nightcap, and since I was not getting any from my girl, this one would do. Three days later, a girl I went to college with calls to say she is coming into town and wants to meet up and then asks if she can stay at my place. Another week later, another bar, another girl. Within 3 weeks of being told I could not have sex with my girl, 3 just suddenly pop up and want it...what are the chances of that. Eventually the gf wanted to started with the nookie again, but at that point I knew the relationship was tainted and ended it.

Side note: I met up with the first girl about 10 times after that and eventually I had to end it when she asked me to go out on a date. I told her, "I am sorry, but I don't date people I have sex with."

12. Ever have one of those "its a small world" moments that are just too unbelievable to be real? So I had been hooking up with this girl Jules for a few weeks, who had previously broken up with this guy named Evan. Well Evan had dumped his long time gf, Sue, in order to date Jules. Well I am at this party at Moravian College in PA and meet this cutie named Susan, who I hit it off amazingly with. The party we are at ended kinda early and the night was still young, so I invite this girl Susan back to my fraternity house to hang out and play some beirut and probably to hook up. Well as soon as we enter my room, there is Jules laying in bed "waiting" for me. Jules gathered her things and stormed out of the room and here I am in shock because I had no idea she would be there and she had no idea if I was taking this girl in my room to hook up. I did nothing wrong yet. Well of course as I went to go find her one of the guys in my house told me that Susan was "Sue". Talk about karma coming back to bite someone on the ass. Susan actually was so proud of the situation that she made me a proud man that night. Jules of course did not talk to me again....until...

2 years later...Jules tells me she wants to go on a date and that she feels bad for walking off that night without hearing my side of the story. The date goes pretty well till we get back to the fraternity house and she starts flirting and hanging on one of the other brothers. Just in case she was trying for revenge, I pulled a "I am tired" routine. She then said, "Can you drive me home?" (she lived about 45 minutes away). I replied, "Nope. I drank. You will have to wait till tomorrow." So I went to bed and she spent the next hour trying to find a ride home. Good times.

13. I once hooked up with this girl who refused to cheat on her boyfriend, so I told her that it was only considered cheating if we "kissed". Sometimes I even impress myself.

14. I found out this girl was hooking up with kissed my best friend when I went away for a weekend, which is just unacceptable. I was only mad at my bud for about 15 minutes, but got over it and realized the girl was at fault. In order for me and my bud to get past this, order needed to be restored to the force, so I told my bud that I would get her into the shower and steal her clothes at my friend Mel's party. So at the party the girl is there and trying to make it up to me for kissing my bud, so I say to her "Do you want to take a shower?" , which is an odd thing to do at a party, but she agreed and my plan was in motion. Now, I could have gone the high road and just gotten her in the shower, grabbed her clothes, and left, but once I saw her naked my other head started telling me what to do. So after a little shower nookie, I hoped out and told her there was only one towel and would give it to her in a second. The minute I dried off and threw my boxers on, I grabbed my stuff, the towels, and her clothes and got the hell out of the bathroom. It must have been about 15 minutes before I heard someone start laughing near the bathroom. I gave my bud her clothes, which he hid and never gave back, and was a god in his eyes that night for pulling it off. When the girl asked why I did it, I said "you needed to be learned." Even more surprising, the girl continued to hook up with me for the remainder of the summer.