Things that end with 2005
1. American Idol - Why are people still watching this show once the good singers are left? I admit watching the people make asses of themselves is amusing, but after that its still just Star Search. If you can't anyone watching this show after the first 3 week, please feel free to throw them out the window and onto a bed of nails.
2. Feeding Tubes on Brain Dead People - Seriously, its like feeding oatmeal to a rock. It serves no purpose but to prolong a useless endeavor. The key word is "dead" people. If someone you know decides to torture someone with a feeding tube, please pick up the oatmeal covered rock and slam it against their head.
3. Blaming Politicians - We already know they are all crooked and trying to work some angle for themselves. Calling a politician a liar and like calling a hooker a whore. Not to say there aren't some good politicians out there, but we all know most are in it for the money and notoriety. For instance, when people are blaming George Bush for the travesty in New Orleans...punch and roundhouse them...last time I checked George Bush was not made of 100 mile an hour winds (although some might think so when he talks...ZING!), but instead it was actually a hurricane...which takes us to #4.
4. Kanye West - In the words of the great Stewie Griffin, "Who the hell do you think you are?" 50 Cent should take him out. The man releases one huge album and now the man thinks he is a God. Kanye West thinks George Bush hates black people, but he is wrong. George Bush has his money in oil and defense (aka guns) and who else is Bush going to get to work under shitty conditions and buy guns...The Mexicans? Maybe. I mean, its not like the buses that went down to New Orleans didn't try to get people out of there. Did people not see the news: HURRICANE COMING! GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN!? The people who stayed in New Orleans chose to of their own doing, so why blame someone else (please see #3). If you see anyone buying a Kanye West cd, quickly shove it up their rectum and hand them some G-Unit shit.
5. Kevin Federline - Do I even need to explain? Is he supposed to be white trash or hip-hop? Why do I even need to know this asshole's name? Spam anyone or any station that talks about this douche bag.
6. Combining Celebrity Couple Names - Tomkat. Brangelina. Bennifer. It makes me want to kill. Who decided that it would be cute to combine couples names? Guess what, its not cute, its fucking lame. Does it take too long to say both names? And why not just combine all couples names, even if they don't sound good together? Combine George and Laura Bush and we get Lorge or Geora. GAY!!! What is even worse is you know some media prick is lounging back in his chair thinking that he is brilliant for coming up with "Brangelina". If you find any lazy fuck that can't take the time to say two names, combine that person with a baseball bat.
7. Actors Skating, Dancing, Singing, or doing anything but acting - Reality shows have taken a really sad turn when we forced to watch moderately good actors do anything but. I would much rather watch, oh I don't know, professional skaters skate. Or...umm...here's a stretch...a singer sing. Is it too hard for an actor just to act? Why even stop with actors? Can't this work for other professions? Strippers trying to be electricians? Cheerleaders in politics? Dear God will it ever stop? There is a simple solution to stop this...change the station. Do not watch this crap or they will keep making more.
8. Scientology - More like Crap-ology. I hope the aliens don't come and kill me now. And what about Kabalahlahlahlah? Sounds like the freakin Smurfs singing a happy tune. I never knew religion could become a fad. If you have a friend into this crap, SMITE THEM!
9. Film remakes - Can't anyone write an original script anymore. Box office revenues are down...why? Maybe because he have all seen the original versions of every movie out there. If people already know the story, what is the drive to see it for $11.00 in a theater? When clarity and surround sound are much better in most people's homes, why not wait for DVD and get bonus features...and it is even cheaper to rent. The only reason to see a remake is if there are cool new special effects, but even then, I really need to know I will be impressed. If someone you know goes to see a useless remake, go Clockwork on them and staple them down to watch the original until their eyes bleed. Side note: How has there not been a remake of Wizard of Oz yet?
10. Paris Hilton - If we all close our eyes and pretend she isn't real, maybe she'll disappear. The only good thing she has given us is a short night-visioned video and a heaping pile of crappy shows and movies. What drives me really bonkers is that she isn't even that good looking. Paris Hilton is taking precious oxygen away from you and me and she needs to be stopped. If we stop encouraging her, she will go away. Next time you hear someone say "That's hot", kill them. Don't wait and go get a tool to do it, just immediately pounce and pound before they have a chance to say it again.
BONUS FROM JIM:
11. People with a first name as a last name - It's just dumb.
Things to bring back in 2006
1. The Dance of Joy - Probably the best thing that Perfect Strangers gave the world.
2. High 5's - You are already thinking about it now. Combining the high 5, with a low 5, and then maybe a mid-5 "too slow" move. You know you want to.
3. The Fat Boys - Probably the worst thing to happen to rap music was the breakup of the Fat Boys. What other rap group ever rolled with the Beach Boys and Chubby Checker? And it would be nearly impossible to find someone who would not put Disorderlies as one of the greatest movies ever.
4. Chevy Chase's career - The man was a god...until he made the mistake of trying his own late night talk show. Since the new thing in entertainment is to bring back the dead, I hope this is the year of the Chase. Perhaps a new Vacation movie that doesn't suck? We can only pray.
5. The Gong Show - How has this not come back yet? I think gongs in general should make a comeback. If someone says something stupid to you...GONG THEM. If someone tries to sing a song but sucks...GONG THEM. I don't even think drive-by gongings should be out of the question.
6. More Melmackians - There are too many cats on this earth, and the Melmackians are the solution. How is that Alf was the only successful Melmackian of the last 20 years? There must be other capable Melmackians out there working just as hard and trying to be somebody.
7. Jim's ability to eat cheese - The poor bastard is a lack-tard. This one is for you Jimmy!
8. The Gremlins - Hey Spielberg! How about doing a 3rd Gremlins movie and totally redeeming yourself after allowing that atrocious sequel to be made. Gizmo is still one of the most recognizable characters in the world and the trend died with a crappy sequel. I want more Gremlins!
9. Crystal Clear Pepsi (or Gravy) - I want my OK soda and Crystal Clear Pepsi back! I want to swallow down some Munchos and eat my Mr. T cereal. Why does the good stuff always go away so quickly? I think someone should invent Crystal Clear Water this year. Hey Coke, how bout marketing a Crystal Clear version of Dasani?
10. Eric dating a fat chick - Just so there is something else to make fun of him for.
11. Eric's Kevin Smith look - Just in time for Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks. I hope we can get him to do it so we can fool people at the theater and get mad bitches.
12. Milli Vanilli - What? One of them died? Forget it.
13. Oregon Trail - One of the greatest games...EVER! They should make a movie version of the original game where your daughter randomly dies of cholera and your wife starves to death. It would be the mean kid version and it would be fun and amusing.