Blender Sucks!

So, I am on my way to NYC for a week long business trip and am looking for a way to entertain myself during the long bus ride, but figuring that my PSP's battery will only last about 5 hours, I decided to pick up a couple of magazines. Being a huge fan of Maxim magazine, but having already read the latest issue, I was looking for something that could entertain me as well Maxim. I could have grabbed "Stuff", but we all know that it only contains the shit that wasn't good enough to make it into Maxim. Next I saw "Blender", what is supposed to be Maxim's bastard child addicted to music, so I thought I would try it out. Seeing that there were June and May's issues available, I figured I would read both, having plenty of time on the bus (because the man is too cheap to fly me down...ass), but there was something already unsettling about the fact that one issue had Coldplay on the cover and mentions articles on the Backstreet Boys and some chick named Amerie within.

About an hour into the trip I begin reading the issue with Coldplay and immediately go to the letters section, which is easily the best part of Maxim magazine. I finish the first letter and then realize, "hmmm...no smartass replies like Maxim." Two letters later...a reply, but hardly funny. The more I read the letters, I can see that all people are doing are bitching about the reviews, artists, etc. and the magazine is just taking it. If someone called you a "fat monkey tosser", would you reply "Yeah, you're right"? HELL NO YOU WOULDN'T! YOU'D KICK SOME ASS! As I progressed through the magazine there was suck article after suck article about only TRL / American Idol style artists. BORING! Oh wait, here is an article on clubs you will get murdered at when partying in no name parts of South America...finally something useful. I mean, I was all set to plan my yearly trip El Guapo, Rio, but thanks to this article, now I know better. How many morons do you know that plan trips to go to a military or gang run city for clubbing? What is the fucking magazine thinking..."you know, its been a while since we told people a good place to get shot while dancing"?

Moving onto to June's issue, in hopes that it can totally redeem itself, I immediately skip past the letters and find an article on a band I actually like, Motion City Soundtrack. At first I am actually impressed that they would devote time to such a great band, but then it happened..."Blink bass player Mark Hoppus was so impressed enough to produce..." FUCKERS! The only reason there is an article on the MCS is because Mark Hoppus produced the new album. ASSHOLES! But wait, there is supposed to be an article on Weezer somewhere in here, surely that must be worth reading. Three paragraphs??? That's it??? Weezer gets 3 paragraphs and fuck Shakira gets 6 pages??? WHAT THE FUCK-TARD?!!!

Maxim magazine was the cutting edge when it started out and is still easily the best magazine out there, so why can't a spin off of theirs do better than just playing up to what is popular? Not only that, but here is the music genre break down: 55% hip-hop, 20% classic rock, 10% mainstream rock, 10% pop, and 5% other. So basically the magazine is a 100% dog shit. In the ways of the great Maxim, I will compare "Blender" to...a blender.


Blender versus "Blender"
Crushes and blends ice tea, ice cube, and vanilla ice.	Interviews Ice-T, Ice Cube, and Vanilla Ice
ADVANTAGE: Blender
Makes a lot of noise.	Criticizes a lot of noise.
ADVANTAGE: Blender
Has no setting for half naked women.	Has half naked pictures of Shakira.
ADVANTAGE: "Blender"
Has a variety of speeds and settings.	Has one speed and setting: slow and boring.
ADVANTAGE: Blender
Can be used to smash a kitten's skull.	Can be used to piss off flies.
ADVANTAGE: Blender
Makes mixed drinks.	Makes vomit.
ADVANTAGE: Blender
5 to 1 the machine beats, purees, and crushes the magazine. This music magazine for men really sucks, even when compared to this machine designed for women. In other words, DON'T BUY IT!