Okay, so normally I go to a salon to get my hair cut ( that's right...a salon...big woop...want to fight about it? ) but on the rare occasion I will go to a place like Supercuts to get a quick trim, figuring that really can't screw up trimming down my current style.  Getting a trim at Supercuts is like having a 5 year old trying to color between the lines and occasionally they slip in a spot or two, but nothing to the point where you think the kid is retarded.  In fact, that might be the exam that someone needs to pass in order to be certified by Supercuts.  Well not too long ago I had to get a last minute haircut for a wedding and thought I would give Supercuts a try for a full blown cut, but I wish I hadn't.

"I am sorry Sally, but you colored outside the circle 10 times, you just aren't Supercuts material."

   First off, I call ahead to make sure I won't be sitting down and waiting for an hour or more for them to get around to me, as can sometimes happen with these walk-in places.  They tell me there is about a 15 minute wait and to just check in when I get there.  Of course 10 minutes later I walk in, give my name, and already the wait has gone up to 30 minutes.  They fuck you and then they fuck you again...30 minutes after the first 30 minutes, I am finally sitting down to get my haircut.  I am already thinking that this better be the best haircut I ever had or I am freak out like Paris Hilton when she found out she had herpes ( It probably happened. )

   So I am finally sitting down and the girl asks me, "Just a cut today or would you like a wash and blow dry?"  Well I then ask what the price difference is, not knowing if it is just included in the normal price.  "$12.95 for just the cut, $14.95 for the cut and wash, $18.95 for the cut, wash, and blow dry."  Suddenly a car outside screeches to a halt and this guy screams out "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"  Well that didn't really happen, but my brain was sure as hell felt like it.  Now, I don't claim to be a mathematician (even though I am), but the price goes up $2 for them to use water, shampoo and conditioner on you, yet it goes up $4 more for them to use 60 seconds of electricity on you????  Is that some kind of crazy hooker math?  If the blow dry was maybe $1-$2 more, it would make sense, but for $4 there better be four girls surrounding me and blow drying my hair with the lungs that god gave them...and one on my junk...just because. 

   Finally we get to the actual hair cutting and I ask for my sides to be trimmed with a 3, a little shorter on the bottom, faded in, and leave the top long since I am growing it out.  The guy in the car suddenly pulls back into the parking lot and yells out "RUN BITCH RUN!!!"  I should have listened to the guy.  Well about 10 minutes pass and she asks "Is the top short enough for you?" Short???  "I said leave it "long", not short like your memory, you moron."  I didn't actually say anything that mean, since she was the one holding the scissors.  "Oh I am sorry, I can fix it."  FIX IT?  Is she going to glue the hair back on my head?  This chick is a special kind of dumb.  I know the hair will grow back, so I tell her not to worry about it and just continue. 

   Two more minutes pass and then she tells me she is done, but for some reason she doesn't show me the back of my hair. Matter of fact...I don't even recall her cutting the back of my hair. Me, "Did you forget to buzz the back with a 3 so my hair would look even?" Moron, "No, you didn't say anything about cutting the back of your hair, would you like me to cut it?"  Umm...duh.  You know, I was really thinking about rocking a mullet and buying a Trans-Am this year, but then the drugs wore off and I realized I don't suck.  Seriously, do people still actually go into these places and say "Don't cut the back cause I am working on my rat tail."?  My hair really looks like it was cut by a five year old at this point (she must have gone outside the lines only 9 times).

   Another 5 minutes later and after some close inspection, I feel the cut is good enough for now. The hair moron asks, "Would you like me to style it for you?"  Would I?  Would I?  Would I like a 10 pound tumor hanging off my left nut?  No. Would I like to get herpes from Paris Hilton? Maybe. Would I like my hair styled by this moron?  Suddenly that tumor isn't sounding so bad.  (The tumor says "Hi.") 

   So I pay the girl her $12.95 with a dollar tip because I am a nice guy (feel free to continue when you stop laughing) and she asks if I have a "Club Card".   The first thing that comes to mind is that some people willing come here on a regular basis to get a shitty haircut.  Why would anyone want to torture themselves like this?  It is cruel by even my standards.  So I give her my club card...just kidding...but she offers me one, which I naturally take in order to preserve this memory and burn it in my fireplace, 

   Three weeks later I go to one of the few salons frequent for my normal haircuts and the first thing the girl says to me is "Who did this to your hair?"  Exactly.

    So the moral of the story is that fat chicks don't really give good head, not that I would know...and don't go to Supercuts unless you want a shitty cut.

 

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